Ok, so let's go over how a pile of dung can be King of England (so I
can prove that Tom Parker Bowles can be King someday).
1. A cataclysmic turn of events results in the death of all of the
Royal family. The only descendents that legally can obtain the crown
are people of distant relation. There remains but one hope for a child
of the most recent monarch to be King. You see, just before he died,
the King took a Royal shiate in his Royal toilet. Being of civilized
and noble extraction, he left the flushing of his poo to his servants,
who eagerly enjoy this time of the day. But hearing of his death, the
servants decide to keep the dung as a keepsake.
At present, DNA can be extracted from many organic materials, including
skin, blood and the muddy and manly remnants of Kings. Yet the
technology that creates a pregnancy merely from that DNA (without
semen) is in its infancy. This is a fact in the present day. I do
believe there is one or two cases where this has happened, but it's not
a technology that by any means has been mastered.
The King and his Royal Family had their bodies incinerated during the
accident/non-accident that cost them their lives. There remain no known
parts of their body to use for the extraction of DNA. The only DNA of
the King that is preserved is his shiat.
Would you support the next King of the United Kingdom to be of some
extremely distant relation? Or would you prefer a baby be made from the
DNA of the present King? I would suggest to you that many would support
And so you may ask, how can a shiat as King?
Well a shiate must be Royal. You know the old insult, "he thinks his
shit don't stink!" Well that means that a Royal shiate must not stink,
in order for it to appear noble, civilized, polite and well-mannered.
How do you make a shiate not stink? That's not very difficult, I
understand. All the Royal Household would do (secretly) is add various
chemicals to the shiate for it not to decompose and not stink.
How can a shiate greet guests, as it may offend? On the contrary, a
shiate would make an ideal Royal. You'd never have to worry about any
gaffes or mistakes in etiquette; the shiate stays the same. Its cold
exterior never betrays a secret, makes insults or divides Royals. It
does not play favourites with courtiers; all are faced with the same
cold presentation. It dances only as swell as it is swayed by guests,
who would hold onto the shiate's beautiful case.
There won't be any wild expenditures on diamonds either; the shiate, we
can imagine, will be humble. There won't be any worries about it
sneaking out in the night to enjoy the town, or it sleeping with
another woman; unless the woman manages to get a hold of the shiate for
her own purposes.
There is a maxim that many rulers follow: Always say less than
necessary. Saying more than what's needed is never a problem for the
The masses do not know the Queen personally, as Mrs. Windsor. They know
her by her face on the dollar bill and the coin, and books and
magazines. Sometimes they know her by the stern and constant
presentation she makes on TV. They know her as nothing more than an
object. A shit would not contradict that image - it can do its Royal
duties of appearing on money very well.
You may ask, what about Royal weddings, etc? Well aside from the fact
that the shiate can never get tired (though its servants can), a shiate
is best suited for long procedures, for it never betrays boredom. Its
presence will be that of beauty; it will be placed in a gold container
surrounded with stained glass, and only vaguely seen by the eager
onlooker. A Royal crown will sit atop of it, and jewels will adorn it
at its sides. It can even be outfitted with a rob at more formal
events. It will be a sight of magnifiscence.
And why again would people accept a shiate for a King? The produce an
heir to a throne. And how is that heir produced? With the impregnation
of a woman. Firstly though, the woman must get married to a shiate.
Sure, many Royals would not be thrilled at a prospect; but wouldn't
somebody volunteer to be the wife of a shiat if it will make her Queen
Consort of England? As least then you will have a human being, or
rather, a more whole human being, involved in Royal affairs, in
addition to the less-whole human being, his Majesty the King.
And so, for how long would a shiat be King for? For as long as it takes
to produce an heir.
Why do I bring this up? Because I believe that, given the right
circumstances, a tempered ambition and a skillful use of power, Thomas
Henry (Tom) Parker Bowles can be King.
Wake up and smell the roses!